The downside of living in a foreign culture...

Today I am extremely depressed.  Why?  Because even though work is going OK, I have friends at work, and it is finally a sunny day outside, there is no one to share it with.  Living in a foreign culture outside of an expat or missions community it is very very very lonely.  Yes, we have it easier branching over into the culture (especially having a Swedish husband), but the downside is that you belong nowhere.  You live far far away from friends and family, and because you are completely immersed in the culture, you are excluded from the expat communities as well.

In some cultures, this might might be not as big a deal.  Many cultures are very open and welcoming, and there can never be enough excuses to go hang out at the pub/cafe/etc., and everyone is invited along.  But in Sweden unless you have known someone since elementary school you will never be invited in.  Even though I have excellent friends at work, and have lived here since 1998, it is the same.  What makes it worse is that 5 years ago we moved to a different part of Sweden, far from where my Swedish husband grew up.  Which means that we no longer even have his fall-back elementary school friends available.  In 5 years here we have become involved in setting up Sunday school at the local church, I sing in two choirs, we are both active volunteering at the school, my husband is on the church council, we take our kids to sports regularly.  And yet, in all that time we have been invited to someones' home 1 time.  In 5 years.

We have, in fact, had many people over many times, so we are trying.  But this is Swedish society.  It is very lonely, and no one invites in outsiders.  And you are an outsider if you did not grow up in the community, if your grandparents are not within 10 minutes drive, and if you have no school friends around.  And definitely if you are a foreigner. 

And so living in Sweden is very lonely.  When I have a hard day, I have no one to call.  I don't have a friend to call and say, "Hey, want to go  get a coffee?" when I need a break from the kids / husband/ housework/ job/ garden/ etc.  If I tried I would probably be instantly shunned and marked as "that wierd foreigner", because I don't think even Swedes do that with each other.

And thus, I am a bit depressed today.  The urge to return to the US, regardless of the economic situation, our missions and jobs here and everything else, is overwhelming sometimes.  Just the need to see someone on the street who smiles and says "Hello," even though he or she has never seen you and likely will never see you again, is overwhelming.  My husband, being Swedish, does not understand this need.  If I suggest we perhaps go to town, or at least try to leave the country for a weekend, he looks at me like I am insane, because he thinks everything is all right here, and is raised without the idea that people should smile at each other and get to know new people throughout life.

It is a very tough environment, and I sometimes wonder if it will end up crushing me.

Temptation

This last Sunday in church the message was on temptation.  I know that as I listened I had a sudden epiphany, which I planned to blog about.  The only problem is that for the life of me I can't remember what it was.

Valla kyrkan, Tjorn

Anyway, after church service I sat with Elias for another 10 minutes in the church.  He can't seem to ever sit still during a service.  He is like a volcano in 900 pound boots stomping throughout, and making so much noise during the service.  And while no one ever says anything, it seems important to me that he learn to be still and just listen and wait quietly.  So we practiced sitting still together after everyone left the sanctuary.  Because to me it is important, whether my children grow up believing or not, that they learn to show respect to their surroundings.

The thing is, that those 10 minutes sitting together in silence in the church were probably more meaningful for both him and me than the whole service that went before.  He sat well.  We talked a little about what one can do during the service to keep focused.  I remembered counting the lights in the ceiling and the boards in the ceiling when I was a kid.  I encouraged him to do simililar things.  And we got to talking about our church, Valla Kyrkan.

The church we go to was built in 1648, before the US even existed as a political state.  And it is beautiful and well built and large and many things are ornate and covered in gold.  And to me this is the real meditation I sneak too whenever I can't focus on the sermons, that people hundreds of years ago, with none of our modern technology, could and did take the time and money to build such a beautiful building.  There are many traditional handcrafted elements in our church, including the toll painting and carved ships and everything.  And while we don't know the names of who made these things, the fact that they took the time and the care to do so, when it was in no way easy, strikes me with awe everytime I look at it. 

The catechism (which I never learned as a child) says that the reason we exist is to glorify God.  This last Sunday with my 6 year old we sat there and could see the evidence of people glorifying God, going beyond their normal ability to make something bigger than themselves, but together as a community. And I can say that as we discussed it and looked around, and sat quietly, it felt like he began to understand what going to church is about.

Original altar at Valla Kyrka, courtesy of Creative Commons

I wonder sometimes if there is not something to the idea of a temple, of a special place that is not a strip-mall church being rented for the sake of expediency, or a tent carried around in the desert.  In our haste to do what is easy, what is quick, do we lose site of what is important?  God is certainly not in the building.  But perhaps the building of temples is necessary more for ourselves than for God.  To learn to show some respect, both for God and our own sake.
And maybe that is the big temptation we all have every day.  To not take the time.  To choose the quick and easy over the meaningful.  To not show the respect to ourselves, others, and our God, that they all deserve.

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